When It Doesn't Go to Plan: Breastfeeding Grief, Guilt, and Letting Go of the Struggle
- zoemeachem
- 11 hours ago
- 8 min read
Trigger warning: breastfeeding grief
Next week is Breastfeeding Awareness Week, and I know how emotive this topic is. So I wanted to write this post specifically for a group of parents whose experience often goes unspoken: those who wanted to breastfeed, but for one reason or another, couldn't. If that's a tender subject for you, be gentle with yourself reading on.
My aim with this blog is to bring some sources of information together to help you understand the current situation for breastfeeding stats, and also to offer a Yoga Perspective from a philosophical viewpoint, on how a shift in how we perceive things might be helpful in bringing more peace of mind. I know it has been for me time and time again.
UNICEF's website states that, "In the UK we have some of the lowest breastfeeding rates in the world, with more than six out of ten women stopping breastfeeding before they want to. The evidence is clear that when women are supported, they are more likely to breastfeed for longer," [1]
Even though we know support is hugely important for mothers to be able to confidently and comfortably breastfeed, support so often hasn't been there when we've needed it. Meaning breastfeeding parents can end up with feelings of failure, sadness, guilt, amongst many ofther troubling feelings that can be long lasting, when breastfeeding doesnt work out as planned or hoped for.
New mothers can feel as though they have failed right at the start of parenting, loosing trust in their body and their confidence as a mum, when really, they were let down by a lack of practical support, guidnce and information.
I work weekly with new mums, each navigating her own version of this new parental phase, one that asks so much of you, physically, mentally and emotionally. So many of the mums I sit with talk about having wanted to breastfeed, but not having had the support, information, or help they needed for what is honestly a mammoth task. What I hear loudest underneath it all is never failure, it's love. A deep devotion to their babies, and a fierce desire to do right by their families.
I've also watched breastfeeding challenges tip mums into PMADS (Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders), and I believe wholeheartedly that a mum's mental health matters just as much as how her baby is fed. Breastfeeding isn't always the right or possible path, for so many valid reasons, but what's harder to go through, is when a mum wanted to feed their baby from the breast but couldn't, and is left instead with grief, guilt, and worry. At a time when we most need to feel confident in our own instincts, we're often met instead with a feeling that our bodies let us down.
The the numbers tell a different story than our minds might lead us to believe
What the numbers reveal is this isn't a small group of unlucky women. It's the majority.
More than 80% of new mums in the UK say they wanted to breastfeed, and around 97.5% of women are physically capable of producing all the milk their baby needs.
Yet more than six in ten UK women stop breastfeeding before they wanted to. Not before a guideline said they should, before they were ready.
By six weeks, less than half of mothers (47%) are exclusively breastfeeding. By six months, that number drops to around a quarter (26%).
Pain and lack of support, not a failure of the body, are consistently the top reasons mums give for stopping sooner than they hoped.
Closer to home, this is a recognised local issue too. Worcestershire county council has named breastfeeding initiation and continuation a priority area, openly acknowledging that local rates at 6 weeks are behind the national picture, and that mums here need better support earlier; not just after things have already become hard.
While there is good news that stats for breastfeeding are gradually improving nationally — prevalence of breastfeeding at 6 to 8 weeks in England increased to 55.6% in 2024 to 2025, up from 52.7%, [2] there is so much work still to be done, and so many feelings for parents to unpack around breastfeeding grief.
It really wasn't your body's fault
England's first full national infant feeding survey since 2010, the Infant Feeding Survey 2024, was published this year, and it puts numbers to exactly what so many of you have described to me one to one. [3]
Around three-quarters of mothers (73%) who had ever breastfed experienced at least one genuine breastfeeding difficulty; most commonly engorgement, trouble with latching or sucking, or worries about milk supply.
More than half of mothers (56%) who'd ever given breast milk experienced real physical pain; sore nipples, painful breasts, as a direct result of breastfeeding.
Of mothers who stopped by 4–6 months, 7 in 10 (72%) said they would have liked to carry on breastfeeding for longer. This wasn't a lack of desire. It was a lack of what they needed to make it possible.
The top reasons mothers gave for stopping were their baby not latching or rejecting the breast (45%), feeling they didn't have enough milk (44%), and painful breasts or nipples (25%)
The mothers who wished they'd breastfed for longer, said the single biggest thing that would have helped was their baby latching more easily, so this brings us back to the need for support from breastfeeding professionals, health visitors, midwives, GPs; not more willpower, not trying harder, not a stronger body. Alongside that, mothers pointed to the specific support that was missing: nearly a third (30%) said more support from hospital staff would have helped them continue, around 1 in 5 (21%) wanted more support from their community midwifery team, and many simply needed more hands-on, in-person help putting their baby to the breast in those first crucial days.
This wasn't your body failing a test. It was, overwhelmingly, a system that didn't show up for you when you needed it most.
Breastfeeding Grief
It's a real, documented experience, not an overreaction, not "just hormones" and researchers have started to properly study it. A study published in November 2025 in the journal Women and Birth interviewed mothers about exactly this experience.
Women described the grief itself; sadness most of all, but also anger, guilt, and a sense of failure. And they described wanting, more than anything, to understand why it happened. Not to be told it was fine. But to actually understand.
For some of the women in that study, the grief hadn't faded months later, it was still there when their babies were up to two years old. Researchers now believe breastfeeding grief follows a similar pattern to other recognised forms of grief, the same stages, just rarely given the same permission to be spoken about and healed.
Regular triggers such as seeing another mum breastfeeding nearby, or not having enough milk to settle a crying baby, make things more complex. If either of those has ever caught you off guard, that's not you being oversensitive. That's a documented part of what this grief looks like.
What yoga actually says about "letting go"
Something that helps me in my thinking about parenthood, feels relevant to breastfeeding grief, so I'm sharing here in case it helps you too. You could apply this to how you experienced your baby's birth, disturbed sleep looking after a baby/young child; things that are sometimes out of our control.
You might have heard Yoga teachers talk about detachment. Which might sound uncaring but it really isn't when you fully understand it, it comes from a place of deep caring for yourself and others.
Detachment is not about not caring, or pretending things don't matter. It's more about choosing to accept what is, and recognising the things outside of our control, to eventually bring more peace and ease.
The Bhagavad Gita contains the concept Nishkama Karma. Acting, and caring, fully and wholeheartedly, while loosening your grip on how it had to turn out.
The teaching isn't "don't mind/ don;t care" It's, you were allowed to want this deeply, and you're also allowed to stop fighting the fact that it went differently.
That struggle of experiencing the mind saying "this shouldn't have happened this way, my body should have done this, it was supposed to be something different" is often where the real suffering lives. Not just in the grief itself, which is real and deserves space, but in the layer on top of it: the shame, the comparison, the replaying. Non-attachment isn't about detaching from your baby or from having wanted a certain outcome.
It's about releasing the grip on the outcome that didn't happen, so there's energy left over for what's actually here, this baby, this relationship, the here and now, however your baby is being fed.
Reframing Breastfeeding Through Nishkama Karma
Focus on the Action (Karma): Your duty as a parent is to love, nourish, and care for your baby. Breastfeeding is just one method of fulfilling that duty; the ultimate goal is a healthy, loved child.
Release the Outcome (Phala): If you or your baby face medical hurdles, or latching issues, these are external results. Nishkama Karma teaches that you are responsible for your loving effort, not the variables beyond your control.
Action Over Attachment: You can pump, consult lactation experts, and try your best (pure action). However, if it does not work out, letting go of the "perfect breastfeeding image" protects your peace of mind and prevents suffering.
Dismantle the Ego: Guilt and a feeling of failure often stem from expectations we place on ourselves. Recognise that your worth as a mother is not dictated by how your child is fed.
Honouring the Alternatives: In spiritual philosophy, nourishment itself is sacred. Formula, donor milk, or a bottle are modern blessings that allow you to fulfil your primary duty of keeping your baby healthy.
Redirect the Energy: The stress of trying to force an outcome drains the energy you need for bonding. Shifting to formula or pumping with a sense of acceptance allows you to offer your baby a calm, peaceful presence.
Practice Mindfulness: When bottle feeding, practice the same skin to skin contact and eye contact. The emotional connection and love transfer perfectly, proving that the intent of the action matters far more than the mechanism.
The Yoga philosophical framework is offered to you as a way to guide your thoughts and feelings. I hope the words land in a helpful and loving way. As a Yoga Therapist my work is rooted in the concept of Ahimsa (non-harm) so my intention with this blog is to offer helpful suggestions and I hope the intent of my words has come across as intended, with compassion and respect to you as a parent.
On processing any feelings around breastfeeding guilt; You don't need to "get over" this by a certain date, and you don't need to perform gratitude for a formula journey you didn't choose in order to be allowed to grieve it. Both things can be true: you can be a completely wonderful, connected mother to your baby, and still carry sadness about a version of feeding that didn't happen.
I'm not a qualified breastfeeding professional - I'm a mum who met my own challenges in feeding my first baby, and needed to process my own guilt and worry about this, and a yoga teacher/therapist. I don't ever offer specific advice on techniques or how to feed babies, and stay within my scope of practice so I refer people to some of Worcestershire's amazing support such as Becky Davenport at Feeding Together Worcester, Anna Branch at Latch Perfect Tongue Tie Specialist. There are also lots of excellent breastfeeding support groups across Worcestershire holding regular meet ups for local mums (always incredible fountains of knowledge!)
My weekly classes are also a place to connect with other mums in a safe and supporting space and share your journeys together.
Please do comment any other resources or your own thoughts and experiences on this topic below.
With Love
Zoe x
Sources
UNICEF UK Baby Friendly Initiative — Breastfeeding in the UK: https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/about/breastfeeding-in-the-uk/
GOV.UK — Breastfeeding at 6 to 8 weeks, 2024 to 2025 statistical commentary: https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/breastfeeding-at-6-to-8-weeks-data-for-2024-to-2025/breastfeeding-at-6-to-8-weeks-2024-to-2025-statistical-commentary
GOV.UK / OHID — Infant Feeding Survey 2024: summary of main findings: https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/infant-feeding-survey-in-england-2024/infant-feeding-survey-2024-summary-of-main-findings
Aderibigbe, T. et al. — "It is mentally challenging – Understanding breastfeeding grief during the postpartum period: A qualitative descriptive study," Women and Birth (Nov 2025): https://www.womenandbirth.org/article/S1871-5192(25)00270-7/pdf
Comments